Eye Candi

A couple months ago Mike received a resume from a young, graduating dentist in the mail. She wisely put her hot picture on it and Mike, who had never voiced any interest whatsoever in hiring an associate, called her. He made arrangements for her to fly out, see the office, meet the staff, fall in love etc. Okay. Whatever, not jealous. Nope, not at all. I have options too. That mechanic who frequents Chuck E. Cheese sans child on his lunch hour gave me like 150 tickets last time I was there with my kid so suck it.

Now on the very same day that “Candi” came to visit, I was grappling with the death of the baby chick from Allie’s class that I spent $400 trying to save after one of the little tykes dropped a block on its head. I spent all afternoon in deep mourning and informed Mike that I would just meet him and Candi at the restaurant later that evening. I pulled myself together and requested that Mike refrain from ordering any poultry out of respect for my little “Pecker” whose tragic, untimely passing was still painfully fresh.

When I arrived at the restaurant, Mike and Candi were deeply engaged in riveting conversation over cocktails in a dimly lit booth. Neat. Mike introduced us, I sat down, ran my finger down the drink menu deciding on a bottle of hundred-year-old scotch.

Mike: I like to golf.

Candi: I love to golf! What is your handicap?

Me: I can answer for him. (Swig, backhand wipe)

Mike: I am a Republican.

Candi: I love Republicans! I campaigned for McCain/Palin every single night while performing root canals on molars containing multiple nerves with 100% accuracy while my eyes were closed during the day.

Mike: My God that is incredible!

Me: (Sarah Palin impression) You betcha! Let’s go play some HOCKEY!!!!!!

Everyone: Awkward silence.

Mike: So how do you feel about DPO insurance plans?

Candi: Appalling. I have resolved to always practice dentistry with the upmost integrity; I simply refuse to allow an insurance company to dictate my treatment of patients.

Mike: I have always maintained this stance. I just have never met anyone that feels the same way! (Head shake, clicking noise with his mouth)

Me: Weeeeeelllll, I say some money is better than no money yo!!!!! (Laughing……Alone)

My girlfriend called and I answered, we proceeded to have a 10 minute conservation detailing the unraveling of my life before my eyes without Mike and Candi even noticing. I hung up, ate a couple bites of dinner and told the server that she could have the rest of my scotch since I did not really care for it much. Mike and Candi finished reuniting their twin souls and we asked the valet bring around our cars.

Candi had parked in the garage across the street and Mike chivalrously insisted on driving her to her car. They both climbed in and drove off. The valet brought my car around and asked curiously “Wasn’t that your husband?” I nodded and said “Was.” I was fairly confident my day could not possibly get any better but then God called the radio station and requested Michael Jackson’s “Pretty Young Thing” as the ultimate rib tickler. The valet looked at me sympathetically and asked if I wanted a smoke.

Fast Forward One Month: Last weekend Candi came back out to become further acquainted with the staff. Mike generously arranged for the entire office to witness God’s magnificent splendor at what I believe was a soccer (?) game. Who cares, the point was David Beckham was there. Candi and I cheered whenever he stood there or scratched his arm. It was quite enjoyable. In fact, I had so much fun with her that I offered to drive her around the next day to look at places for her to live in low crime areas when she moves here. After all, I want my children to be safe when visiting their new stepmom. It was a rather anticlimactic day, we had lunch, checked out some houses and you know, fed a buffalo.

A BUFFALO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! It was just standing there behind a thin wire fence; Candi and I decided it would be a swell idea to get out of the car and swiftly approach it while making direct eye contact. Some lady was there throwing carrots at its head and asked us if we would like to feed it. I exclaimed “OOOOOOOHHHH ABSOLUTELY!!!” and she handed me a baby carrot. Candi reached in the bag and pulled out the largest carrot she could find. I smirked.

The colossal, slobbering, snot dripping from its nostrils the size of my head beast proceeded to EAT OUT OF MY HAND. I got licked by a BUFFALO. A FUCKING BUFFALO. O.M.G. He then waddled over to Candi who panicked, dropped the carrot through the fence, turned to me and said “Um, I actually need my fingers dumbass!” I was shocked, I had noooo idea all dentists were so funny! I do believe she will work out just fine. XO